Space Pirates
by Piercius Edwardius Changius
Summary: The epic tale of a band of space pirates led by Captain Rocket Cat, and their battle to destroy the Mecha-Bieber and overthrow Chancellor Sorrentino and his Jersey Shore Council, the despotic rulers of the Galactic Government.
1. Intro

Introduction

The year is 2674, and what was once thought to be a dark chapter in human history turns out to have been merely an overture.

In 2112, humanity built a small colony on Mars. The colony flourished after extraterrestrial contact was established in 2124, turning the small city into a boomtown after trade began with the alien races. The aliens taught the humans to build space craft that would allow them to quickly travel throughout the galaxy. The aliens would do anything for the television of which they had brief samples of, a result of a project carried out in the twentieth century.

Humans conquered their own solar system first, establishing colonies and hospitable conditions. By 2209, Neptune had been colonized. The Earth's overpopulation crisis had been averted, but the earthlings were not satisfied. Large corporations, namely Disney and Coca-Cola, began to send out commercial ships far into the galaxy.

The Milky Way Covenant, the governing body of the galaxy comprised of leaders from all major sentient factions, was alarmed by the actions of the humans. They made tentative alliances, but the new race demanded more and more land and resources. The Covenant attempted to appease the humans at first, hoping that it would quench their thirst for power.

The plan backfired, and the human race grew more wanting of space and resources. When the Covenant refused to hand over a planet rich in attractive, promiscuous, seductive females, the UN declared war and seized the planet by force. The Covenant fought bravely, but they were unprepared for Disney's weaponized pop, a system that blasted god-awful Disney music at high volume, slaughtering entire cities in mere minutes. Over the next fifty years, fighting raged through the galaxy. Most native populations were brought near extinction, or were forced to relocate.

Not everyone from Earth, however, was pleased. Native Americans, Mexicans, and Africans were outraged by the atrocities committed in space. In 2424, they began hijacking ships from Disney and Coca Cola and fought the United Earth Army, and thus began the golden age of Space Piracy.

Disney and Coca Cola fought each other bitterly over planets, resources, and corporate secrets. Instead of uniting to fight the space pirates, they hired them as mercenaries. During the golden age, the pirates who remained true to helping the Covenant reigned supreme, thwarting most attempts at expansion, and providing the starving families with supplies hijacked from transport ships.

The most notorious, successful pirate was known only as Captain Rocket Cat. Legends claimed he and his crew were beastly animals, with grotesque appearances and a vast array of weapons. No actual information about him or his crew was known, however. For nearly a hundred years, Captain Rocket Cat was known as the Scourge of Space.

In 2519, however, the golden age came to a sudden halt. Coca-Cola began to offer its new product, Coke ZeroG, for free to any pirates who joined their mercenary force. Most pirates were swayed by the offer, and Disney, as well as the Golden Age of Space Pirating, was crushed under the new might of Coca Cola. After that, Captain Rocket Cat was never heard from again. Some say he changed his name and joined the company, while many say he simply perished or took his own life. Yet a few cling to the hope that the legendary pirate is still alive, hiding away in some remote corner of the galaxy.

In 2523, the people in the space colonies demanded to participate in the Earth elections, a right denied to them ever since the colonies were established. Mass riots broke out, with people breaking windows, burning government buildings, and smashing Justin Bieber CDs in the street. Murders sky-rocketed, the Coca-Cola mining operations began to suffer from insurrections, and many people thought that the human race was doomed.

To quell the violence, the UN allowed the first-ever inter-planetary elections in 2527. Not knowing anyone else to vote for, the colonies elected the cryogenically preserved cast of Jersey Shore to head the government. Rejoicing was abound in the colonies, with mass parties and festivals to celebrate the fact they had voted. They were, however, completely unaware of the terror that was to ensue.

Headed by Michael "I'm a douche bag so I call myself 'The Situation'" Sorrentino, the Jersey Shore cast abolished the democratic processes and government and concentrated power in their own hands, forming the Shore Council. To quell the outrage and any dissent, The Shore Council ordered the construction of the Mecha-Bieber, a large, malevolent android that capitalized on the Disney Nuclear Pop system, able to make a head feel pain from 200 miles.

In 2674, the construction was complete.

Now the only hope for life, the only resistance to the council, and the only possibility of the destruction of the Mecha-Bieber, rests in the old legends of Captain Rocket Cat.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"'I have to admit, you gave us quite a run for our money.' Thomps said, raising his gun. 'It's over for you.'

"'Is it now, Mr. Thomps?' The Puma asked, turning to meet Stanley. A gunshot resounded through the room. The Puma fell to the ground, clutching his leg.

"'You bet your ass it is. Now you tell me where you're keeping Peter Blakely, you sick son of a bitch!' Thomps shouted, thrusting his gun forward in a threatening gesture.

"'Blakely?' The Puma cackled, 'The one you call Blakely is alive and well! At least he was, until your men butchered him moments ago.'

"'I'm sick of playing your fucking mind games, Puma!" Thomps barked, kicking The Puma in his wounded shin and raising the gun to the Puma's mask. 'Where the fuck is he?'

"'I'm sure you've found him by now, Mr. Thomps.' The Puma chuckled. 'You're not getting anything out of me, however. Do what you will to me, but nothing is going to hurt my cubs while I draw breath.'

"'I ain't got a problem in changing that, you sick fuck.' Thomps grinned.

"A shot rang out through the room….."

"Open up in there!" A loud voice ordered, banging on the front Ben's dome. "We have a warrant for you, Ben Neeblenheimer!"

"Aw, shit!" Ben uttered to himself, closing his copy of _The Puma _and stuffing it into his bag.

The front of the dome collapsed, and several large men in thick, metal space suits of armor barged in. Two of them grabbed the short, pudgy teenager roughly by the shoulders and dragged him outside. The other men held large plasma guns, keeping them aimed at the detainee.

"What's all this about?" Ben screeched, trying to kick and resist as he was hauled out of his dome and into the town square. "What did I do?"

"We have received reports that you made a post on the Internet referring to our glorious leader, The Situation, as a 'grand-douche face' and that his abs are fake!" one of the guards told him. "Such slander against the Shore Council, especially the Prime Minister, is punishable by death!"

"But he is a douche face!" Ben retorted. One of the guards smacked him in the face with a plasma-rifle butt.

"Silence, heretic!" The guard captain shouted, his voice not at all muffled by his metal helmet, completely covering his face in an iron curtain.

"What are you going to do to me?" Ben cried, tears streaming down his pudgy cheeks.

"We're going to do what we do to all blasphemers! Attention citizens of NJ666, we have in our custody a blasphemer!" The guard captain yelled, as people crowded the town square. The guards let go of Ben and forced him onto his knees, placing the barrels of their guns behind his head. "We cannot tolerate disunity, and we cannot tolerate slander against our mighty leader!"

"Yeah yeah, just get on with it!" one man shouted from the crowd.

"Um, captain?" one of the guards asked.

"What is it, Bernie?" The guard captain replied.

"There's a really weird looking ship over there, sir. It looks…it looks like…" Bernie began.

"Well, by the Council, it looks like one of those old ships that used to sail the oceans of Earth! This one, however, is floating." The guard captain observed.

Floating toward this scene was indeed a large, metal ship, with a mast, prow, and figurehead. What the guards couldn't see, however, was a small creature curled on the front of the deck, peering out at the crowd. It was a small, furry creature, with two front, feline paws, white fur with a single black patch surrounding one eye, large, green scaly wings, and a long, scaly tail ending in a club-like group of spikes.

"Cap'n, what be yer orders?" a large, purple feline asked him.

"We'ze in attackin' range. Raise da Jolly Nommer!" the small creature ordered.

"Aye aye!" the purple cat replied, pushing a button on the flagpole of the ship.

Meanwhile, the guard captain was now addressing the crowd, brushing off the strange ship as a piece of space junk.

"Ben Neeblenheimer, you are charged with heresy, blasphemy, and resisting arrest! You will be sentenced to…"

"Sir, there's a flag rising up on that ship…" Bernie said, prodding the guard captain.

"Not now, Bernie!" The guard captain whispered angrily. "You will be sentenced to…."

"Sir it's getting closer!" Bernie pleaded, prodding the guard captain harder. The flag was now fully visible, a black tapestry flowing in the artificial wind. On the cloth was an incredibly happy looking cat face, gnawing merrily on a bone.

"For the love of Snooki will you shut…" the guard captain began, cut off in mid sentence as his jaw dropped.

"Attack!" a voice shouted, and ion beams began spewing from the approaching ship, firing at the guards. A figure stood on the bow of the ship, feline in appearance with large wings and a scaly tail, with two large metal pods attached to the wings, and a tri-tip hat atop its head. "Yar har!" It yelled, diving off the bow and flying toward the guards.

"What in the name of…" the guard captain began, before he was blown to giblets by a rocket from the flying creature's meal pods.

"Kill it! Kill it!" Bernie yelled, and each guard frantically began shooting at the new airborne menace, firing plasma rays in the general direction of the flying feline. It gracefully evaded and twirled in the air, firing more rockets into the unsuspecting guards. The frightened guards completely forgot about the large ship firing ion beams at them, and were obliviously mowed down.

"Ye'll never get me, labnd….lanbd…peoples who can't use a ship!" the feline creature taunted, swooping down and picking up Ben as the last of the guard began to retreat. Ben was dropped on the ship, still cowering in fear. "Dun't let em' get aways!" the creature shouted.

Several old, preserved machine guns unfolded from the deck, and Ben looked upon them with a sense of awe and mystery. Those kind of guns hadn't been used for hundreds of years!

Unleashing a loud, majestic roar, the machine guns sent a wall of lead toward the fleeing guards. Without mercy they fell to the ground, each landing with a loud, satisfying clunk. The blood began to pool on the ground, running down the street of the town.

"Ar! Successful mission is successful!" The winged creature declared, holding his sword in the air.

"Cap'n, is it can be nap time now pwees?" the large purple cat asked, rolling onto her stomach.

"No yets, Grapecat!" the captain replied, bopping the rotund kitty with the blunt edge of his sword.

"Um, who are you?" Ben asked, still cowering on the floor.

"Who is I?" the winged captain asked rhetorically. "I is da bane of evil wretched hoomins, da savior of da Covenant, da most adorable dragon-kitty to evar sail a boat and da Scourge of Space! I is," he paused, striking a dramatic pose, flaring his wings behind him as he stood on his back paws, "Captain Rocket Cat!"

"Wait, what?" Ben asked dumbfounded. "You're the legendary Rocket Cat?"

"Yus." Rocket Cat replied, nodding proudly.

"But you're a kitty cat!" Ben said in shock and disbelief.

"Nu. I is a dragon-cat!" The captain replied, spewing some fire into the air.

"Ey! You keep dat up and you'ze gonna burn da flag!" a large, wolfish creature barked.

"Ohs. Sowwi Wuffie." Rocket Cat replied sheepishly. "Dat's Second Mate Wuffie."

"Second Mate? Pirates don't have second mates! Pirates aren't kitties!" Ben replied angrily.

"Silly hoomin, anybody can be a pirate!" Rocket Cat said, patting the human with his paw.

"Does this mean I can be a pirate too?" Ben asked hopefully.

"Of course! Stand up, ye little buccaneer!" Rocket Cat said, lifting the scared human to his feet. Cheerful music began to play, making Ben spin his head around.

"Where's that coming from?" he asked.

"Do what you want cuz a pirate is fwee, you is a pirate!" Rocket Cat sang, waving his sword in the air. "Yar har, fiddle de dee, being a pirate is alright wif me! Do what chu want cuz a pirate is fwee, you is a pirate!" The entire crew was singing now, with no source of music in sight.

"How do you do that?" Ben asked.

"Kid, I thoughted dat me being a space pirate dragon kitty would has teached ju not to question logic. You gonna go crazy if you try to make sense of any of dis." Rocket Cat replied. "We got us a map!" He sang, the disembodied music resuming without skipping a beat. "To lead to us to a hidden box, that's all locked up with locks, and buried deep away! We'll dig up the box, we know it's full precious booty, bust open the locks, and then we'll say hooray!" and the entire crew shouted "Hooray!"

"Um, what are you singing?" Ben asked.

"Tis' a old sea shanty." Rocket Cat explained. "Or is from a kiddy show. I forgets. But dis isn't importants! We has many a epic adventure to has! Dem guidos no gonna kill demselves!"

"Guidos? You mean the Council?" Ben asked.

"Aye. We has to find a way to ovet….overt….get rid of dems." Rocket Cat said. "We goin' back to mah secret planet cove. Full speed ahead! And someone serissly oughta lower da Jolly Nommer." And with that the wondrous pirate ship set sail into the atmosphere, leaving behind the NJ666 colony.

"Wait! I left my copy of _The Puma_ back there!" Ben shouted.

"I remember dat book! Wasn't vury good." Rocket Cat said.

"But I wanna know how it ends!" Ben pleaded.

"I fink he dies. Or it's dat other dewd. Someone dies." Rocket Cat said, reminiscing slightly. The ship continued to sail away, leaving behind the colony forever. And Ben's copy of _The Puma_.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"This can't be real. This isn't real! You're a cat!" Ben screamed, flailing his short, pudgy arms wildly.

"So? Why I no can has be reals?" Rocket Cat asked, rolling onto his back and flailing his paws in the air. "Whee!"

"Well, you're supposed to be scarier and more ruthless!" Ben replied, looking over the side of the ship.

"I is scaries! Nao somebodeh come rub mah belleh!" Rocket Cat ordered, patting his tummy with his paws.

"How do you even exist? Dragons aren't real!" Ben shouted, walking over to the flipped dragonkitty.

"Hoomin. Come closers." Rocket Cat said, rolling back onto his feet. As the human walked closer, the Captain bopped him on the head with his paw.

"Ow! What was that for?" Ben shouted, indignant at this creature's actions.

"I is gonna smack ju everytimes ju questionz mah logics." Rocket Cat explained.

"Cap'n!" The purple cat shouted, "We needs moar grog!" She began to glug out of a large mug, the beverage spilling down her face and onto her fur.

"Arr. What we need Grapecat?" the Captain asked.

"More Pepporoni!" Grapecat replied, looking into the mug with one eye.

"Bah! We just plundereded a pizza pwace liek, a monf ago!" Rocket Cat grumbled, laying down flat on the deck of the ship and lolling his tongue out.

"I do say, old boy, do cheer up!" a robot said, walking over to the captain. The robot had a large head with two lenses, a small antenna, and a speaker, with a green bandana tied around the top of its head. Its body was made of a tough, sturdy metal, with large but functional limbs. The right hand was a beautiful, articulate recreation of a human hand, while the left hand was a basic claw with two pincers. It's voice was refined and upbeat, with a heavy British accent. "It isn't as if the pizza parlors are heavily guarded!"

"Billington!" Rocket Cat bellowed,"I is da fearsome Rocket Cat! I has destwoyed big ships and plundered da hoomins! Why can't dey has pepperoni in big ships so I can plunder eet?" The captain sighed.

"Who are you?" Ben asked to the robot, scratching his head.

"Why, I'm Billington! The finest chef of all the pirate ships, don't you know old boy?" Billington introduced, bowing and tipping his bandana.

"But you're…" Ben began.

"A robot? I do say, old bean, just because I've no limbs of flesh and blood doesn't mean I can't cook with the passion of a human heart!" Billington replied proudly.

"Well, I was actually going to say 'British', but whatever." Ben said, slumping down on the deck.

"Ey, Cap'n!" Grapecat shouted,"Maybes da hoomin knows where thar be pizza?"

"Dat's a really good idea, First Mate Grapecat!" The Captain shouted back. "Ey, hoomin!"

"I'm Ben. Ben Neeblenheimer." Ben introduced.

"Nuwai! Eniwai, whar's da nearest pwace to get pizza?" Rocket Cat asked, walking over to the human.

"What?" Ben replied, absolutely confused.

"Is a kind of nom, dis big circ-uh-lur piece of bwead ," Rocket Cat explained, holding his paws out to make a big circle, "and dey puts sauce and cheese and meats and is reelly tasties and nao I'm hungwy!" the dragon cat grabbed his stomach and rolled over onto his back.

"Why?" Ben asked, still unable to comprehend the situation.

"Cuz iz so goods and I no has had any in forevar!" Rocket Cat replied, babbling and rolling around.

"Cap'n!" Second Mate Wuffie yelled, "Ask da hoomin!"

"Oh. Sowwi." Rocket Cat replied, rolling once again back onto his paws. "So whar we gets eet?"

"I think they still maintain a Mikey's around NJ137." Ben replied. "Why?"

"Ugh…" Rocket Cat groaned. "A Mikey's! Lemme guess. Guidoniam mines?"

"Didn't you know that? The NJ colonies are the galaxies largest producers of Guidoniam!" Ben said proudly.

"They is? Ooo!" Rocket Cat and the entire crew perked up at this. "I'ze raided other Guidoniam colonies before. Da Council would be vury unhappies if dey lost deir mein source of spway tan…."

"Spray tan?" Ben asked, outraged. "Don't they use it for energy? They use it for fuel, which is why we have to work so hard to excavate it!"

"Nah. Dey make spway tan out dat stuff. Da Council goes through lots and lots of eet." Rocket Cat explained. "Okie, we get pepperonis, then we destroy da mines! Hrm." Rocket Cat pondered, looking thoughtfully into the distance. "Nu. We disables. Is cheaper and easiers. To da planning room!"

Everyone on deck, The First mate, the cook, the second mate, and Ben, followed Rocket Cat into a room below the deck. Ben was fascinated as he descended into the sleek, metallic deck, into a well-lit space below the deck, with a seemingly infinite number of doors, each labeled with a metal sign riveted to the door. Rocket Cat headed into a door that, in place of a sign proper, was designated with a picture of his face.

Inside this door was a large room, with a table, several monitors, a keyboard, and a large cabinet full of papers. Ben looked with wonder at the holograph projector in the center of the table, displaying an image of a large planet he recognized as the NJ colonies. He saw a glowing dot on the surface, in a district reading "NJ666".

"Hey! Is that how you found me?" Ben asked.

"Yus. We pinpointeded whar u was usin' da Internets!" Rocket Cat said.

"How come?" Ben inquired, tilting his head and blinking curiously.

"I thotted mebbe thar would be serisly big group of rebels in jur area." Rocket Cat confessed. "You has informations though!" The dragon cat beamed, swishing his large tail back and forth.

"Tail!" Wuffie shouted, focusing intently on Rocket Cat's spiky appendage, moving her face as the tail swung hypnotically from side to side.

"Yus, is a tail." Rocket Cat said. "So, eniwai…" he began, before he was interrupted by a load chomping noise. The captian turned his head and saw that the second mate had grabbed the end of his tail with her jaws, and was tugging on it determinedly, growling playfully.

"Does she do that a lot?" Ben asked, staring in confusion.

"Is not so bad." Rocket Cat answered. "Escuse me, but ju appear to has mah tail." Wuffie froze, looking up at Rocket Cat, then looking down at the tail, and back at the captain. Her eyes went wide and she drooped her head, flattening her ears and slowly letting go of his tail.

"I Sowwi Cap'n." she apologized.

"Issokays. Ai just kinda needs eet for bashings. And is serisly distractins when ai tryin to make plans if you pulls on it." Rocket Cat soothed, patting the canine on the snout. "Hoomin!"

"Yes, Captain?" Ben asked.

"How big is da mining operation?" Rocket Cat inquired.

"Huge. They work miners like my parents to the bone. From what I saw on the Internet, almost every square inch is devoted to mining operations." Ben explained, moving his hand over the hologram. "About 25% of the surface is mining facilities. The rest are barracks and stuff."

"Wat we gonna do, poisin da pizza supply again?" Grapecat asked, putting down her mug.

"Nu. Is too large. Dhey surely has backup food reserves. Of coursies…" he began, wandering in thought, "if you no can get rid of da source, cork da outlet! Where's da shippin' port?"

"It's on the planet's moon, Joyzi." Ben answered.

"Excellents! Okie. We plunder pizza supplies so we can has pepperonis. Then. We destwoy da port and pwogwam da guns to go 'pew pew' at Council ships!" Rocket Cat announced, raising his paw and shaking it violently. "Of coursies," he began, calming down and lowering his paw, "We gonna need da sec…shec…map of da port. Must know where guns and docks is." The captain touched his paw to the hologram, manipulating it expertly so that it zoomed out and then zoomed in on the Joyzi moon.

"Nao can is it be nap times?" Grapecat asked, flopping down tired.

"Fines. Go nap. Sum bodeh get Nano in here!" Rocket Cat ordered.

As Grapecat slowly trudged out of the room, a small, hyper active ball of fur rushed into the room, jumping onto the second mate's back and yipping loudly. Now more still, the small canine creature resembled something called a 'puppy' he'd read about on the Internet, which humans back on the Mother Planet owned and loved. This one was light brown with a large black stripe down her back, floppy ears, and was about the size of a shoebox.

"Yip! Yip!" The small creature shouted, wagging its tail excitedly.

"Ohai Nano!" Wuffie greeted, laying down carefully so as not to drop Nano.

"Ohai Nano." Rocket Cat said, patting the small puppy on the head with his paw. "Ai wuz lewkin for u!"

"I'ze here nao!" Nano yipped. Ben noticed the small creature had a much higher voice than the other pirates, yet still spoke like most of them, which Ben decided was some cross between baby speak and an olden pirate talk.

"Nano, meet da hoomin. Hoomin, dis is Nano, the weapons spesh…speck…puppeh that duz all a pew-pewing." Rocket Cat introduced.

"Hoomin!" Nano shouted, bounding off of Wuffie and latching onto Ben, latching her teeth onto his red jumpsuit, tearing at the "Coca-Cola" logo above the breast pocket.

"Nano!" Wuffie yelled, picking up the puppy with her jaws and setting her down near the captain. "He is a good hoomin! Gonna halp us get pizza!"

"Pizza!" Nano yipped, becoming a blur as she ran in circles about the captain.

"Um, hi Nano." Ben said nervously.

"Oh yah, u'ze da hoomin who we came here for!" Nano declared, running over to Ben and pawing at the legs of his jumpsuit. "Where's da other hoomins?" she asked.

"Wuz no good hoomins." Rocket Cat answered sadly. "Da rest wuz made into giblets. But dat no important! We wuz gonna do sumfing. But nao I dun't remembers." Rocke Cat whined, plopping himself on the floor and staring upwards with large, sad eyes.

"The Mikey's?" Ben suggested.

"Ohyah!" The Captain replied. "Hoomin, whar's da Mikey's? Cwor-duh-nits is fine, but pointin eet out on da hologram is fine too."

"I believe it's right…"Ben started, moving his finger clumsily on the projection, "here!" he pointed to a section of the planet towards its northern pole, making a small circular region glow where his finger was.

"Okie! Nano, take down da coordinates. We set sail for Mikey's Pizza!" Rocket Cat declared. "Prepare da guns and da Jolly Nommer! Da Dangercat crew hasta be readies!"

"Aye aye, Cap'n!" Nano and Wuffie shouted simultaneously, going to their respective duties. In a matter of minutes, the ship was on its course, bound for its next great adventure.

"Should I be doing something," Ben began asking, and then hesitantly adding "Captain?"

"Aye. Get outta dat ugleh jumpsuit. We finds you some better clothings! Follow meh!" Rocket Cat said, tugging on Ben's arm as he led him through the halls of the ship, leading Ben to his next great adventure.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"So wait, they really don't use Guidoniam for fuel?" Ben asked, still confused.

"Newp. Is actually fairly useless other than is shinies. I fink dhey used to call it sumfing else. I no can remembers tho." Rocket Cat said, walking down a well-lit metallic staircase, Ben following at his paws. Ben looked about in wonder at the long, narrow staircase, which led to a short, narrow hallway. Rocket Cat jumped off the last few steps, landing gracefully on his feet as he shouted "Whee!"

"Are all the other space pirates like you?" Ben asked as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Newp! Most of dem is hoomins. Some of em wuz aliems. Da aliems wuz only around before dey started makin dat new Coke ZeroG stuff." Rocket Cat said, his words turning solemn at the mention of the soda. "Stoopid hoomins. Will gives up fweedom and good stuff is dey is offered shinies or new kinds of noms." The captain hissed. He walked over to the nearest door and bopped a small pad with his paw, causing it to beep loudly.

"Access granted." A female voice greeted, and the small door slid aside. Rocket Cat scampered inside, his large tail swishing behind him as he ran into the room. Ben followed nervously, slightly hypnotized by the movement of the captain's tail.

"What's down here?" Ben inquired, looking around confused at the strange wooden drawers about him. The room contained several of these drawers, and was only a few square meters in volume.

"Dese rooms is whar ai keeps mah shinies and loots!" the dragonkitty explained proudly. "Did ju evar hear dat ai raided da set of a movie dey wuz shootin?"

"Of course!" Ben answered, snapping his fingers as he tried to recall the details. "It was, um, some movie about…" he paused, thinking as hard as he could, "oh yeah, the fifth remake of that one movie!"

"Yus. Duz u remember wut da movie wuz?" Rocket Cat asked, dangling from a drawer handle.

"Oh yeah! Wasn't it the third remake of the Dreamlord movie?" Ben answered, snapping his fat fingers.

"Yush. Bleh. Nao, wat chu remember aboot dat movie?" Rocket Cat asked as he climbed inside the drawer he had just opened, digging through the clothing. Fabric flew through the room as the captain searched, covering Ben in a large pink gown and covering his head with fake chain-mail armor.

"Wasn't some fantasy story?" Ben replied.

"Aye. Tell me, duz u remember any cowboys in eet?" The Captain asked, stopping his frantic search suddenly.

"Um, no. It was a fantasy world with some guy from the twentieth century. No cowboys in it at all." Ben replied, confused.

"Den can u tells me wai dey had dis?" Rocket Cat asked, holding up some clothing. At first Ben didn't recognize the outfit, with its strange, rustic-looking leather from times olden. Suddenly, like a whale full of bricks falling from the sky, it struck him. A feeling of enlightenment overcame his brain, and suddenly the world seemed to make sense.

"Is that….a cowboy outfit?" Ben asked.

"Yus. Wat in da name of Basement Cat is dis doin on da set of dis movie?" Rocket Cat asked.

"I…" Ben began, struggling to find an answer. He thought long and hard, searching the deep crevices of his mind and soul, "I don't know."

"Wells. Eet has no place thar. But mebbe has place on chu." Rocket Cat put the clothing on his tail and flung it at Ben, knocking the stout human down. "Oops. Sowwi hoomin."

"Oof! Thanks…" Ben mumbled as he struggled to get back up. "Um, where do I go to change into it?"

"Do eet here, ai no lewks." Rocket Cat answered, burrowing his head under his wings.

"How do I know you won't peek at me?" Ben asked suspiciously.

"Cuz I no wanna see a nekkid hippo." The Captain shouted, his voice muffled slightly.

"Um, ok then." Ben replied. He quickly took off his red jumpsuit, covering his nether regions shyly as he did so, constantly checking the concealed dragon kitty for signs of peeking. When his old cloth was finally off, he began to change into the clothing given to him. He was surprised how comfortable the costume felt, yet had some trouble fitting into it. He snaked his pudgy arms through the sleeves, the seams bulging as they contained Ben's figure. The trousers fit slightly better, but he still had to push to fit his girth into them. The boots went on without trouble, as did the hat and vest. "Ok, How do I look?"

Rocket Cat peered up from behind his wings, and then began staring at the human. His tilted his head to one side slowly, his eyes flickering across Ben's figure. The human sweated nervously as he felt the captian's judgement weigh down upon him.

"Chu lewks liek…" Rocket Cat began, choosing his words carefully, "Like John Wayne asploded."

"Who?" Ben asked.

"Iz some hoomin who did cowboi moviez." The Captain explained. "Dat r no important nao. We needz to get ju armma….arman…fings dat go 'pew pew'!"

"I get guns?" Ben asked excitedly, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Yus!" Rocket Cat meowed happily, jumping off the dresser and walking out the door. "Follow meh!"

The Captain led Ben back into the hallway and walked over to the doo across from that one. He pressed his paw on the scanner, and the door opened and allowed the two inside.

The inside of this room was huge, filled with racks of weapons of all sizes and kinds. Ben recognized the guns in the front as modern plasma and particle weapons, but the guns grew unfamiliar and archaic to Ben as his eyes moved farther down the racks, and he figured these must be some kind of artifacts.

"Okie, so, here iz weapons!" Rocket Cat announced, sitting in the middle of the room and swishing his tail behind him slowly. "Newer weapons is in front. Older in da back."

"Um…." Ben began, looking around at all the guns he was surrounded by. "What should I take?"

"Err. Hang ons." The captain said. "Nano!" he shouted, making Ben cringe and cover his ears. Almost on cue, Nano rushed into the weapon room excitedly, jumping onto Ben and clinging to his jacket by her teeth.

"Nano, no nom da hoomin." Rocket Cat instructed, and Nano let go and dropped to the floor. "We halpin him pick out guns!"

"Reallies?" Nano asked, bouncing excitedly. "I loves guns! Loves loves loves."

` "So what gun should I use?" Ben asked. "I really want a plasma rifle, or an ion cannon or a …." Ben started, listing off guns excitedly.

"Nu." Rocket Cat and Nano said in unison. "I knows wut chu needs!" Nano said, and tugged on Ben's leg to get him to follow. Ben felt himself grow disappointed and saddened as they passed the particle weapons and came closer to the archaic gunpowder weapons. His heart sank lower as he went past the black and metallic ones, and came up to the ones made of wood.

"Okies, u needs dis!" Nano said, opening a cabinet an bringing out a box. Ben almost pouted a little when he saw the two old, metallic revolvers inside with pristine, albeit wooden, handles. "Is good for cowboy stuffs."

"But don't these things suck? That's why nobody uses them anymore!" Ben said, almost angrily.

"Hoomin, dun't be stoopids." Nano said, lifting one of the guns out carefully. "Da only reason nubodeh uses dem is cuz dey no fire in da vaccum of space. UEG armors is designed to be efectivs against lazurs and plasmas, not bullets."

"I doubt it'd help any. What about bullet drop and stuff?" Ben asked.

"Hoomin. Nu. Stop chur whinin' and gets meh da big rifle up thar." Nano ordered, getting on her hind legs and pointing to a rifle on the top of the rack.

"Fine." Ben replied, defeated. He picked up the large, wooden rifle, and put his hand around the stock. He noticed that a lever moved if he moved his fingers out. "Whoah, what's this?"

"A Henry's repeating rifle. Is wat peoples used in da wild west. I fink." Nano explained as she rifled through another drawer, pulling out several old, paper boxes. "Cap'n!"

"Ya?" Rocket Cat shot back, still in the front of the room.

"Get one of da high end plasma or lazur weps!" Nano yipped.

"Okies!" Rocket Cat replied, flying up to the top of the rack and getting a large, sleek, large-bore plasma weapon.

"Wow…." Ben murmured, stunned at the sight of the modern weapon. It had such a larger bore, at least ten times the size of those puny gunpowder weapons! It must be better, he thought.

"To da firing range! Hoomin, carry da pistols too." Nano instructed, handing Ben a strange pair of leather accessories that were shaped similarly to the guns.

"What are these?" Ben asked.

"Holsters." Nano replied. She bolted out of the room, the captain and Ben following close behind.

They approachedthe room directly next to the one they'd just been in. Nano put her paw on the scanner, and the door opened. Inside was a large, brightly lit room, with a table in the middle and lines marked on the floor with distances labeled. On the table was a pristine torso of UEG armor, just as Ben had seen on the guards back home.

"Okie, hoomin. Thar is a block of jelleh in thar that will spew bloods and stuffs when ju hits eet." Nano explained, laying down on a nearby chair. "Go pew pew wif da plasma gun."

"Really?" Ben asked excitedly. Without hesitation, he picked up the plasma cannon and aimed it at the chestplate. The gun was heavy, and he strained to lift it. Hid finger fumbled around the back, taking him several minutes to find the buttons. He strained harder to raise it up to his eye, and pressed the fire button.

A bright, white beam fired out of the end of the end of the gun, filling the room with light. Ben could hardly see his target. He felt the weapon heat up quickly, and lifted his finger off the button by reflex. He dropped to his knees, the gun landing with a loud thud. Ben lifted his head to look at his handiwork.

The chestplate had a large burned area where the plasma had struck it, but it had not penetrated the material or harmed the target inside. Ben dropped his jaw in amazement.

"But…all that power…" Ben began.

"Do eet again, do eet again!" Rocket Cat cheered, bouncing excitedly and flapping his wings. "Peeeeeew!"

"Nao, hoomin," Nano began, "get da pistols and loads dem." She thumped her tail softly against one of the paper boxes. Still stunned, Ben slowly got up and picked up the box of ammunition. His fat fingers clumsily opened the box, dropping several rounds onto the ground. He stooped down to pick them up. His hand groped around his hip, finally finding the handle of one of his pistols. The weapon was much lighter. 'How's something like this supposed to beat that giant cannon?' he thought to himself.

Ben struggled with the revolver, tugging on various parts until finally the cylinder slid open. Ben awkwardly began loading bullets into the chamber, his pudgy hands unadept at handling the small machinery. He finally closed the cylinder, aiming up at the armor. He quickly lined up the pistol with his target, struggling to keep his arm from shaking too much. Bracing himself, he pulled the trigger.

Ben looked confused, as nothing had happened. Had it worked? He looked over at the armor, and saw nothing new. The target inside didn't seem to be harmed.

"Ju hasta cock da hammer." Nano yawned, curling up to herself on the chair, peering at the human sleepily.

"Oh. Thanks." Ben replied. He put his thumb against the hammer and pulled it back, taking aim once more at the target. He pulled the trigger once more, bracing himself again.

A large bang resounded throughout the room, and Ben felt himself get pushed back by the weapon. He clenched his eyes tight, trying to hide from the noise and flash. It felt like eternity as he stood there, with the room so silent you could hear flies copulate.

"Zomigah, lewk at da bluds! Dat lewked painful!" Rocket Cat cheered, shattering the silence.

"Nice shot, hoomin." Nano yipped.

Ben opened his eyes slowly, and looked at the target. Outside of the burn mark was a small hole, leaking red fluid. Then he looked behind the target, and saw a red splatter pattern. He grinned proudly, putting the gun back in its holster.

Then he remembered. He remembered how the ship's front guns had mowed so easily through the guards, and how the captain's weapons had easily blasted them to small bits.

"That's so awesome!" Ben shouted. "What's the bigger one do?"

"Eet maeks a really bigger boom!" Rocket Shout shouted, throwing his paws up into the air and falling down.

"Can I try it out?" Ben asked eagerly, holding the rifle and cycling through the lever action.

"I fink Nano is asleeps. So if chu duz, is gonna wakes her up." The captain said, poking the small, sleeping pile of fur with his paw.

"Oh. Ok." Ben replied, disappointed.

"Eet kicks moar den da pistols, just so ya know." Rocket Cat explained.

"Attentions everybodies!" A voice blared, coming from a speaker system in the ship. "Da Mikey's is only a few minutes aways! Errbodeh to…hic!...battle stations!"

"Ooo, dat's First Mate Grapecat!" The captain observed, picking up Nano. "Come on, hoomin!" Rocket Cat flew slowly out of the room, carrying Nano with him. Ben ran after him, jingling as he did so.

"Hey, how do you keep all this stuff here anyway?" Ben asked as the door to the firing range closed behind him. Rocket Cat looked back at Ben, tilted his head, and Ben felt a blow to his head. "Hey!" Ben shouted, seeing the Captain's large spiked tail drift up the stairs.


End file.
